How to keep your cool when your child is pushing all your buttons
There is a level of exquisite rage only your own child can trigger.
It may be the selective hearing that allows your child to catch you whispering “biscuit?” to your partner, but renders them unable to hear you bellowing: “Stop that before you hurt yourself!”
Or the moment when they refuse to so much as try the dinner you cooked from scratch, despite it being exactly what they asked for.
Or perhaps it’s the first time they deliver the devastating blow of: “I hate you!” Or when their anger becomes physical.
Whatever it is that triggers your simmering irritation to bubble over into rage, your child will have the innate ability to find just the right buttons to push to turn up the heat on your emotions.
Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself with how well you can handle these difficult moments. No doubt you’re well-versed on children’s need to “push boundaries”. But most parents will have at some point reacted to their child in a way that is more snappy than they intended.
I’m sorry to say science has not yet provided us with a vaccine to make us immune to the intense needling of an insistent child, but thankfully some parents have developed techniques that help them keep their cool.
Read the advice below before you need it, so you’ll be well prepared the next time your child launches an attack on your last shred of patience.
Time out is not just for kids
Two parents I spoke to mentioned they take “adult time out” when they feel like they’re about to lose their rag.
“Sometimes a parent needs the time out, not the kid,” says Genevieve Jenner, mum-of-two. “Sometimes I say, ‘I gotta take five, you eat your god damn biscuit.’ And I will go and collect myself.”
Don’t underestimate the healing power of time alone. It’s far easier to keep things in perspective if you can have even just a moment to yourself.
Distance makes the heart grow calmer
“I think the old tip of simply walking away/not speaking to them is the best one,” says Dee Primett, a health copywriter and mum-of-two. “If you aren't within talking/visual distance, you can't interact with them and it helps both of you to calm down.”
Deep breaths
If you feel your stress levels rising, Cécile Blaireau, mum-of-one and founder of The Frenchie Mummy website, advises you: “take a deep breath, in and out. Like in meditation. Stretch up, and walk a bit.”
Louisa Herridge, mum-of-one and author of Time To Ignite, has found a technique called “alternate nostril breaths” helps her cool down.
“Start by taking a deep breath and breathe out slowly,” she explains. “Hold your thumb down over your left nostril and breathe in through the right nostril. Release the thumb and hold your forefinger over the right nostril and exhale through your left nostril. Then, close the right and breathe in through the left. Close the left and breathe out through the right.
“Nostril breaths take your focus away from your anxiety/stress as your brain is cross-wiring to focus on your fingers and breathing. Doing this allows you to think more clearly and act more rationally. Believe me, it works.”
A change of perspective
Tanith Carey, mum-of-two and author of What’s My Child Thinking? which covers the challenges parents face with kids aged two to seven, says one reason you may feel like your children are pushing your buttons is because “we are likely to be seeing a child's behaviour from our adult point of view rather than thinking about where they are in their development - and how that is being acted out”.
“If you feel you are being triggered, first of all take a moment to pay attention to what your inner dialogue is telling you,” she advises.
“Say for example you've spent a lot of time and thought making a new meal for your two-year-old child and they refuse to eat it.
“Your thought processes may go something like this: ‘I spent ages making this meal. She’s not getting the nutrients she needs. I’m not doing a good job of feeding my child. Why is she making my life so difficult?’
“Then step back and consider why you are being triggered. For example, one reason may be because food often represents love in our minds, when your child refuses a meal it can feel like a rejection.
“However to a two-year-old child this situation probably looks entirely different. Children play with food because they are little scientists and enjoy watching what happens next.
“Overall, in a challenging situation, ignore the idea that your child is ‘doing that just to get to me'. Instead develop a mantra inside your head that says: 'What does the behaviour mean and how can I help?’”
Think beyond the ‘here and now’
Kirsty Ketley, mum-of-two and founder of Auntie K’s childcare says: “Kids are rarely on the wind up for no reason, so look at if they are tired, hungry, has a big change happened? Have they had too much screen time or not been outside? Try and address those things and be mindful of them.”
Turn the focus onto yourself
While I joked earlier that children know exactly what buttons to push to set us off, this is clearly not actually the case.
While your child’s behaviour may at times feel like a personal attack, young children in particular will not yet have developed the emotional intelligence necessary to actually know the impact they are having on you (indeed, some adults are yet to develop this skill).
When you find your children’s behaviour difficult, Fiona Small, mum-of-two and founder of the Young Mums Support Network, advises you “pause and reflect what's going on with you”.
“Depending on what's happening in our lives it often can cause us to be extra sensitive and triggered when our children are simply just being children,” she explains.
Don’t get angry, get ridiculous
A good way to break the tension is to be “surreal and silly,” says Genevieve. “Sometimes I just say: ‘Have you just met me? This has never worked but I like your tenacity short-cakes. We are going to do something else now and if you keep asking I am going to start singing weird songs.’”
A change of scenery
Do you find that your fuse gets shorter when you’ve spent a whole day cooped up at home with the kids? If so, Vicki Broadbent, mum-of-two and founder of the Honest Mum blog, says she finds it helps to prioritise “taking a break from everything and heading outside, whatever the weather”.
Give yourself a break
If you do lose your temper, don’t beat yourself up about it. “Make time for some you time,” advises Kirsty. “Parenting is full on and we become less tolerant the more tired we are.
“Some time away from being Mummy can help you remain calm in the face of a toddler meltdown or a tired, whingey child.”
Reconnect
Once you’ve all calmed down, take a moment to reconnect with your child and you’ll all feel better.
Vicki recommends “lots of cuddles” and “listening so they feel heard and less frustrated, and equally explaining how I feel and that I’m a human just like them”.
Can you help with a little thing?
What do you wish you’d known before your first holiday with a baby? An upcoming issue of The Little Things will focus on how to make travelling away from home with a little’un less stressful. What have you found works for your family? Please do reply to this email to let me know.
Little Lowdown
Sara Talpos delves into science for Undark to answer the question: Do kids really need to be vaccinated for COVID? The answer - it’s complicated.
Tinuke Awe and Clotilde Rebecca Abe, the founders of Five X More, are asking Black women who have given birth in the last five years to share their birth stories. The duo spoke to Susan Devaney at British Vogue about their plans to combat the a lack of information on the Black Maternity Experience
“I’m still struggling to make sense of gaining the greatest gift possible while simultaneously being robbed of so much of what it should have been.” Jess Brammar’s essay for Grazia captures the pull of opposing emotions felt by “COVID mums”.
About Me
I’m Ellen Wallwork, a sleep-deprived mum-of-one, incessant worrier and freelance journalist. I’ve been writing about parenting for more years than I care to remember and previously launched the Parents section on HuffPost UK. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram (but be warned, I’m not a prolific poster).
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