Does your child refuse to try different foods?
You just want them to eat a varied diet, but they have other ideas.
You never meant to go to war. You approached the table on a mission of love: to provide your child with a varied healthy diet, but now battle lines have been drawn.
Your child wants to eat one thing and one thing only – and they have absolutely no intention of budging from this regimen for the foreseeable future.
It’s a fight that goes back generations. You may well have been on the opposing side as a child – I know I certainly was, nowadays my parents would have been hauled up before the headteacher due to the contents of my packed lunch, which for months (if not years) contained a jam sandwich - the only lunch I deemed acceptable to pass my lips.
So, I have some sympathy for my son, who thinks it is highly unreasonable of me to expect him to eat different things on different days.
I’m also counting my blessings that his current dinner of choice – fish fingers, chips, peas and sweetcorn – does include some nutrients (and, in my defence, the chips are oven cooked and salt-free).
But that doesn’t stop me fretting about the lack of variety in his diet, nor does it make it any less frustrating when I lovingly prepare a tasty – albeit, different – dinner, only to be met with downright refusal.
If you too are facing mealtime battles, there are some ways you can make a fussy eating phase less stressful for all involved, as I found out when I asked other parents for help.
How to keep calm when a child refuses new foods
You can take a horse to water…
Two of the parents I spoke to recommended a theory called “the division of responsibility,” created by the nutritionist Ellyn Satter.
Boiled down to very basic terms, this means accepting that as parents it’s our job to decide what, when and where our children eat, but the responsibility of how much they eat and which parts of the meal they eat is firmly in our children’s hands.
This means there’s no negotiating numbers of bites, or pleading to finish what’s on their plate, you just have to trust that over time they will eat more.
“‘You provide, they decide’ is an easier way to remember it,” adds Grace Willis, mum-of-two and founder of the fussy eating blog Happy Little Eaters.
Grace says she felt relieved that she no longer had to get her children to finish every last morsel and mealtimes improved almost instantly.
”If you stick to your role in that matrix, no one gets stressed as the adult has done their bit and doesn't force the kid to have more/less/any,” adds journalist and mum-of-one Tess Riley.
Tess was introduced to this approach by dietitian Renae D'Andrea, who specialises in supporting families. “We've had stress-free meals from the start and I put it all down to Renae's approach,” Tess explains.
Refuse to be drawn into battle
Grace has found that a making the following statement can help avoid getting into a mealtime argument. “A simple, ‘It’s ok, you don’t have to eat it,’ puts the ball back in their court and they feel more control of mealtimes and less pressure,” she explains.
Keep in mind your child’s point of view
“I think it's important to understand what your child’s behaviour is driven by - that affects how you approach it,” says Dr Victoria Khromova, a child psychiatrist and mum-of-one who has created a YouTube video about selective eating.
“Around age two to three, selective eating is a normal part of development. They become a lot more selective because they become more aware of the differences between foods, but can't understand that the same foods can look a bit different.
“It's one of the reasons they often get fussier about veg because they all look slightly different, and tend to prefer more processed foods because they consistently look and taste pretty much the same, (the only veg my daughter would eat at this time was frozen peas and sweetcorn, because they were always the same).
“Most kids pass out of this stage gradually. But for some kids their diet remains more selective. This is often related to sensory preferences and still needing foods to be very predictable.
“It can also be for other reasons - for some people this is to do with anxiety, for instance, if they have had some very difficult experience with a particular food.
“There is also some evidence that children who experience reflux as babies, can be avoidant of foods, probably because they have experienced pain in relation to eating.
“The main thing is – kids who genuinely struggle with eating different foods can and do grow up on very limited diets.
“Some kids genuinely aren't able to eat a wide variety of foods and a constant battle over this can lead to problems. Whereas understanding where it comes from and focussing on making foods that your child will eat readily available can really help.”
How to encourage a child to try new foods
Forbidden fruit
“Put [the food you want them to try] on your plate and let them sneak bits of it onto their plate to try,” suggests Lucille Whiting, a jewellery designer and mum-of-five. “It becomes infinitely more tempting if they've chosen to try it themselves (and when they think it's not theirs).”
Peer pressure can be a good thing
“The influence of peers is huge,” says Cécile Blaireau, mum-of-one and founder of The Frenchie Mummy website. “Mine has started eating new things since starting school and seeing other kids eating other food.”
Gradual exposure
“We definitely did the whole battles at mealtimes,” says Dee Primett, a health copywriter with two children who both have Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD. “I felt so alone when I was going through it and I couldn't figure out how to get past it.
“Strangely it was when we went on our first all-inclusive holiday where there was a huge amount of food exposure thanks to the buffet style restaurant that we started to see that that was the way forward.
“It's a cliche but gradual exposure to different foods definitely works best. It's frustrating when you don't want to cook separate meals, but what we do is cook their food and let them pick what vegetables/type of potato they have on their plate. They don't always eat it, but my daughter now eats carrots like there is no tomorrow and will have a dozen peas and a green bean or two. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it's progress.
“Whenever me and their dad would eat something new we always let them try it if they asked, encourage them to look at it, smell it, lick it, taste it. My son has gone from only eating chicken nuggets to eating roast chicken, pork, steak, lamb, you name it!”
Chaining
For children whose diets are limited by their sensory preferences, Dr Victoria suggests you try a technique called chaining, where you introduce them to similar foods. So if “they'll eat chips but no other potatoes. Try and do something like croquettes or wedges which are somewhat similar, if that works move onto smiley faces/potato waffles, if that works move onto mash or roast potatoes, depending on what they seem to prefer texturally.”
Set small challenges
“With anxiety-related refusal you'd want to understand where it comes from and set up small challenges,” suggests Dr Victoria. “For example, if your child had a really overcooked piece of broccoli at school that was disgusting, spat it out and got told off. You'd work on smelling broccoli first, trying broccoli in your mouth and spitting it out (at home), moving onto eating a small bit of broccoli at home. It's scary and they'd need to have some motivation for that.”
Take the pressure off by preparing for refusal
“As a mum of a selective eater, I respect what she asks me,” says Dr Victoria. “She'll eat foods separately that she won't eat when they are mixed up, and she won't eat things with sauces, so I serve foods separately for her and won't put any sauce on.
“If I do cook something I am not sure she will like, I always have a 'back-up' safe option that we can revert to, this helps take any pressure off trying. When my daughter was little this was cornflakes and milk, and some days that was all she would eat.
“Most importantly I have taken the pressure off myself to 'widen her horizons'.”
Little Loves
Lockdown has not been kind to my hair. Any time I did have for conditioning treatments has evaporated, which is why after reading rave reviews for L'Oréal Paris Elvive's Wonder Water I decided to give it a go. It surprised me on two counts - firstly, for a water-like liquid this really does lather up well, and secondly, in just eight seconds it made my hair noticeably smoother, softer and more manageable, which makes this an ideal product for busy parents. The best part is, it’s currently half price at Boots, down from £9.99 to £4.99.
Can You Help With A Little Thing?
An upcoming issue of The Little Things will focus on early morning risers. Does your child wake with the dawn chorus? Have you found any ways to successfully get them to lay in to a more reasonable hour? Or developed any coping mechanisms to make the early mornings less of a struggle? If so, please do let me know by replying to this email. By pooling our knowledge we can help other mums and dads.
Little Lowdown
Black women are more than four times more likely to die in childbirth, but that’s only part of the story as they’re also more likely to suffer near misses, with many not believed when they tell medical staff of their pain. Jessica Morgan wrote about the Dispatches Black Maternity Scandal documentary for Refinery 29.
You’ve heard of the gender pay gap but do you know about the motherhood penalty? Read Joeli Brearley’s article in Stylist if you want to feel enraged.
“There was no community at my fingertips to help me work out how to be a competent mum. No kind relative to step in when the sleeplessness and relentlessness ground us raw and sore. No grandparents to softly, tenderly tell us no, it’s not done like that.” Terri White has written a beautiful account of being a new parent in the pandemic for Vogue.
About Me
I’m Ellen Wallwork, a sleep-deprived mum-of-one, incessant worrier and freelance journalist. I’ve been writing about parenting for more years than I care to remember and previously launched the Parents section on HuffPost UK. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram (but be warned, I’m not a prolific poster).
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