Nothing would ever be the same again
How we can help children cope when their world is shaken up by a new arrival.
Once they’d arrived, nothing would ever be the same again.
That sentence keeps running through my mind as I consider the seismic shift that occurs in children’s lives when their parents decide to have another baby.
As the day our three-year-old will become a big brother draws nearer, I have a growing sense of anxiety and guilt about the upheaval we’re about to put him through.
Wanting a sibling for our son was a huge part of our decision to have a second baby. As one of three sisters myself, I know how much joy siblings can bring, and yet there’s no avoiding the fact that our decision will affect our son’s life in a magnitude greater than anything he has so far experienced.
So I’ve been seeking advice about how to make the transition to being a sibling easier. For those in the same boat, I’ve rounded up some of the most useful tips I’ve had from other parents and those I’ve found from childcare experts online.
Encourage them to think of it as “our baby” (and ensure you do too)
“One thing that helped us was involving our eldest in as much as we could,” says Cassandra Davis, mum of two and founder of Cahill Davis Publishing. “From getting a copy of the scan pic, helping pick the baby shower decorations, to asking her advice on the name, (we went with her suggestion in the end).”
Older children may enjoy taking on some responsibility for the new baby too. “Ask them what they want to help with once baby is here,” advises Fiona Scott, journalist and TV producer/director. “With my son, my older girls did bath time, feeds, changed clothes, it was bliss!”
Start getting in some sharing practice early
Having a new baby to share their parents and home with is a huge change for a child. “But you can prepare them by introducing the idea of sharing,” parenting and child development specialist Lorraine Lee told The BBC’s Tiny Happy People. “It could be as simple as choosing a teddy that comes and sits with them on their lap to listen to their bedtime story. And they might give another soft toy to the bump, so baby can listen to the story too.”
Avoid sudden shocks by gradually changing their routine
As much as I’d like to think I’ll still be able to give my eldest as much of my time and attention as I do now, the reality is having two children means splitting your time. It may feel counterintuitive not to spend as much quality time together as possible before the baby arrives, but starting to be a little less available can actually help older children adjust.
“Because mum will be in physical recovery and needs to focus on the new baby a lot when the baby arrives, it’s really helpful if dad can start putting in some extra time with the first child before the baby is born,” Dr. Carol Crill Russell told Today’s Parent. “If dad and the first-born have already carved out extra time and have some special things that they are doing together on a regular basis, it will lessen the shock when baby number two is born.”
Be smart about timings of any other transitions
“If you are thinking about toilet training around this time, either start a good while before your due date or leave it until later,” writes Clara Wiggins in The Washington Post. “You don’t want to be trying to cajole them into sitting on a potty while you are also looking after a newborn (I speak from bitter experience). Changing two sets of diapers actually isn’t as bad as running across a room clutching a nursing baby to your chest hoping to grab the potty before it’s too late.”
Make the birth day about them too
Dad-of-two Matt Zitron ensured his son didn’t feel overlooked on the day his daughter was born by preparing a lovely surprise for him. “We did the Toy Story thing with all the (new) toys laid out with a sign telling him,” he explains. “It's mainly inclusion and reassurance.”
Ensure they still get time to be “the only one”
Once the new baby is here, try to still carve out some one-on-one time with your older children, even if that’s just reading them a story while the baby naps.
“What we try to do is have special days with them individually,” says Aceil Haddad, founder of Matt PR. Although she adds that her eldest has some funny ideas about days out with her dad: “Sainsburys is where she only wants to go with him.”
Be prepared for (and patient about) regressions
Dr Carol Crill Russell’s son started wetting the bed about three months after his brother was born. “He had no control over it, it was just something that happened,” she says. “We would talk about it, I would tell him not to drink too much before bed and eventually he went back to his regular behaviour. But it can take awhile, that’s for sure. You will see them thumb-sucking, you’ll hear increased whining and so on.”
Don’t see red over jealousy and aggression
Try not to get upset if your older children are a bit jealous or rough with their new sibling, this behaviour is completely normal and “should not in any way affect their future relationship, particularly if dealt with in an open and non-judgemental way by their parents, so that their feelings of jealousy will diminish over time,” according to the charity Family Lives.
“Although you must explain clearly that they are not allowed to hurt the baby, tell them you know they are not meaning to be naughty and should tell you how they are feeling, rather than taking it out on their brother or sister,” they advise. “By responding with patience and understanding, your child will start to feel secure again, and know that by making room for a new member of the family, they are not giving up their place or getting any less love from you.”
Brace yourself for hard times (they won’t last forever)
Rebecca Schiller, cofounder of the charity Birthrights, shared some advice with The Washington Post, which I find particularly reassuring: “You know your child best,” she said. “However you prepare them, the reality is bound to be difficult at times as they learn to share your time, love, lap, toys and bedrooms — but it’s okay if your child finds it hard to adjust, and you haven’t failed them if they do.”
Little Loves
Books have helped to prepare my son for many milestones, from potty training to dentist trips and starting nursery. There are lots of lovely storybooks about welcoming a new baby to the family, which cover all the changes and difficult emotions children may feel. But this is something a little different, which may be of great benefit for children who learn by doing: The New Baby by Lik Dirkx, £8 from Kidly, includes activities for you do with your child, from drawing what they think the baby will look like, to thinking about all the ways they can help with the baby before s/he is big enough to play with them.
Can You Help With A Little Thing?
An upcoming issue of The Little Things will focus on the best books you’ve ever read with your child/ren. Have you found a story that you don’t mind picking up for the thousandth time? Or a book that has inspired countless games? Or even one that your child will happily sit and look at by themselves. Please do let me know by replying to this email. Your advice could help other mums and dads find their child’s next favourite book.
Little Lowdown
If you somehow find yourself with time to sit down and read, I would highly recommend Akhil Sharma’s movingly honest recollection of his and his wife’s passage to parenthood in their fifties, in The New Yorker.
“My daughter’s love for her doll was a good reminder to pick your feminist battles” Charlene White grapples with her worries about gendered stereotypes in The i Paper.
Female footballers in England get maternity cover after landmark change, Suzanne Wrack reports for The Guardian.
Worried being a single parent means going it alone? Photographer Jonathan Donovan’s series of portraits, featured on The Guardian, capture the strength that can be found in support, to raise awareness of Gingerbread, a charity working with single-parent families.
A useful resource for parents: the NHS website has been updated with photos of chicken pox on different coloured skin and with text descriptions.
About Me
I’m Ellen Wallwork, a sleep-deprived mum-of-one, incessant worrier and freelance journalist. I’ve been writing about parenting for more years than I care to remember and previously launched the Parents section on HuffPost UK. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, (but be warned, I’m not a prolific poster).
If you enjoyed this newsletter and perhaps learnt something new, please do forward it to your friends or give it a shout out on social media. You could also buy me a virtual coffee through ko-fi, here. (Caffeinated please, did I mention I'm tired?)
Was this email forwarded to you? Subscribe here.
Disclaimer: This newsletter does not provide medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. The use of any information contained in this newsletter is solely at your own risk.