Has becoming a parent made me a bad friend?
Our children aren't the only people parents worry about.
I often see articles about how your relationship with your partner may change after becoming parents, but the impact on friendships is less frequently talked about. Which is an oversight, as good friends are even more important after such a life-changing event as having a baby.
The joy of friendships is that sometimes they can feel effortless — a bond over a shared interest (even if that shared interest is simply chatting ’fraff’ in the pub) means you find yourselves revelling in each others’ company.
But friendships that stand the test of time take a bit of dedication and effort to nurture. You invest time in these relationships — and time is an asset that is in short supply when you have a young child to look after.
Being a parent to a baby is a relationship unlike any other. Never before has a person needed you so much and demanded 24 hours of your attention every day. This new all-consuming love can be overwhelming and can make it feel like it is impossible to give your friends the care and attention they deserve, (and meeting up also becomes logistically much harder).
Good friends are very understanding about these changes, but that didn't stop me worrying about letting them down. So I asked other parents to share how they combatted feelings of guilt, while also ensuring their friends still felt loved and valued.
Your expectations of yourself will have to change
Trying to maintain your pre-baby socialising levels will just leave you feeling like a failure. Things are different now and friends will understand, as long as you do make some time for them.
“This was definitely me especially as [my baby] didn’t sleep more than two hours at a time for the first year,” says Tendai White. “I’m still bad at calls and messages, but now try to be present in person once or twice a year.”
This won’t last forever — but will last beyond the baby years
Cat Hufton says the worry about being a bad friend “feels more acute when you have two”, as “taking a baby for a coffee or lunch is one thing, taking a three-year-old is quite another. The friends that understand and are willing to help are the friendships that hold fast. The friends that only want the pre-children you don't”.
“In an attempt to remain a good friend though, I always call as much as I can to make sure communication stays open,” she adds.
Do put yourself out
Trying to plan time away from your child can be a logistical nightmare and inspire its own set of feelings of guilt, but it is worth it sometimes, as it will let your friends know you don’t take them for granted.
“I try to not just expect [my friends] to come to me — just because it's easier,” says Cat. “And plan in fun things just for us when possible. Even if it's only now and then.”
Don’t take it to heart if your friends back off
Your friends aren’t mind readers and might not know what you need from them now you’re a parent.
Rachel Barber says becoming a mother prompted her to rethink how she’d acted when one of her friends became a parent. “I apologised for being a bad friend to her when I was child-free and she had her baby,” she says. “Now a new mum, struggling, I realise I never properly checked in to see how she was coping. I just waited til she could socialise again.”
It's not always easy to know the best thing to do, so don’t be afraid to let friends know if you need them.
Remember: you don’t have to be everything to everyone
“I would read Whatsapp messages but totally forget to reply as I was so tired. I'd be days late to wish happy birthday to people,” says Kat Storr. “I had one friend who was going through a very hard time and was offloading to me when our twins were just weeks old. I had to share it with two other friends as I didn't feel like I had the bandwidth to help her. I think I always felt guilty but my friends were wonderful and understanding.”
A Little Note
Apologies for the lack of a Little Things newsletter last month, after avoiding it for over two years, my family caught COVID and so all plans had to be put on hold.
Little Lowdown
In The New Statesman, midwife Leah Hazard issued a powerful call for action following the publication of the Ockenden report: ”The government needs to realise that birth isn’t just a sideshow, and midwifery isn’t just nice ladies smiling and holding other nice ladies’ hands. Birth is where we all begin and, as such, midwives lay the foundation for a lifetime of public health. Those who control NHS budgets must get wise to these facts, and soon. If they wait too long, there will still be hands to hold, but no one left to hold them.”
In The Times, Rosie Kinchen has written about the importance of allowing pregnant women to make informed choices for themselves: “The way you give birth is both highly personal and something you will be judged on for the rest of your life, which is why it continues to make people unfeasibly angry long after their children have left home.”
About Me
I’m Ellen Wallwork, a sleep-deprived mum-of-one, incessant worrier and freelance journalist. I’ve been writing about parenting for more years than I care to remember and previously launched the Parents section on HuffPost UK. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, (but be warned, I’m not a prolific poster).
If you enjoyed this newsletter and perhaps learnt something new, please do forward it to your friends or give it a shout out on social media. You could also buy me a virtual coffee through ko-fi, here. (Caffeinated please, did I mention I'm tired?)
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Disclaimer: This newsletter does not provide medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. The use of any information contained in this newsletter is solely at your own risk.